Death

Today my boss collasped in the office and was dead shortly after arriving hospital. When I got back to the office after my meeting, Audrey told me Kenneth has collasped as I walked past. I hurried towards his cubicle, there were already people surrounding it, watching him. The paramedics has not arrived yet but I noticed Eng Kiat and Matthew were attending to him. It was almost silent when I broke out and asked what happened. Just then, April interrupted and asked if I know CPR. It was then I realised that no one was actually providing any medical assistance. Eng Kiat and Matthew were also just watching but squatting beside him. I hesitated by giving the excuse of that it has been more than 10 years since I learnt CPR in the army. "But you may just save his life if you try!" retorted April. Somthing just quickly got into me. In an instant I was down on my keens and my instinct had prompted me to detect possible heartbeat and pulse. But there were none. The office was so quiet that I was absolutely sure I could hear none. In the next 5 seconds, I tried recalling how to perform CPR but as I recall, my palms were already on his chest. I soon realised the seriousness of the situation. My palms pushed harder and harder on his chest as I quickly got used to the rythmn. After about 5 pushes, I had his mouth open while his nose pinched, as I blew hard into his throat. There were some rumbling but I figured that was my breath pushing into lungs. As I repeated the resuscitation, I mumbled to myself "Come on Kenneth". But I noticed that he had pee on his pants and his face were already purpish black. I knew I had lost him. I could feel it.

Just then, Paul arrived, volunteering to pump his chest, while I continued resuscitating by blowing thru his airway. I didn't had time to think and gave some space to Paul. Then we carried on till the paramedics arrived. The paramedics performed CPR with defibrillator for about 15mins before evacuating him to the nearest hospital. Some colleagues helped to lift him up to the ambulance along the way.

Shortly after the ambulance sped off, the crowd broke into smaller group, spreading to other cubicles around Kenneth's. Some were consoling others who were traumatized by the event - Lai Leng and Poh Tee were crying. April broke the silence as she was cheering up others with optimism, since the paramedics had successfully arrived in less than 20mins and CPR was rendered on him. He should have a good chance. She even observed that he looked better and seem to be breathing a little.

I went to the restroom to rinse my mouth, after all the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Then I returned to my desk and attempted to recollect what just happened. Everything happened so fast that I was only reacting to my instinct. I could hear Poh Tee and Lai Leng's sob, as I tried to recall Kenneth's the condition - his face, his body, my CPR method..every single details...

Eventually other recollections started to surface. He was my reporting officer since I started worked (3.5 years) and I had been really miserable under him - bullied and verbally abused on many occassions. I disliked, detested him all these while. Our interactions were extremely superficial. I was always polite with my replies but vuglarities in my mind soon follow. I hated the superficial relationship. I hated how he dump work onto you without helping. I hated how he expects updates. I hated how he puts the blame on you when mistakes are made. I hated how he used me as scrapgoat when things gone wrong.

Then I recalled that very moment as I stared down at him, just before I performed the CPR. Here's a man I detest. A man who had wrong footings with many colleagues in the office. A man that perhaps not worthy of my help.

My thoughts drifted to a recent incident which he had conveniently turned accusations on me. Last week I was so upset by his accusation as he shouted "If you made a mistake, please admit it", among the director and senior manager. He was mad that a mistake was discovered and so I had to take the blame, probably because he had been making major boo boo lately. The management knew it and has requested me to write a factual statement of the incident and what other discoveries that I may have made along the way. It was revenge time I thought.

It was probably at this point when my mind gone blank. So I tried to return to marking assignments but the words from the assignments just didn't register. Soon tears started to flow and I broke down. I wasn't sure why. Was it because I was pessimistic that he might not lived? Or was it because I shouldn't have plotted against him with all the statements I was beginning to write?

If there are colleagues who are traumatized by the incident, shouldn't it be me???

About 30 mins past and the colleagues besides me were already whispering of his death. I could hear April voices, as my head were on my desk. She quickly killed the rumour by retorting that we need to hear it officially and should stop the rumour now. In the next few minutes, more sobbings came, no one else speaks.....and I knew it was real.

My heart sank deeper as I couldn't hold on to my tears any longer. I thought I might have saved his life, just like what April predicted. And he probably appreciate my kindess when he learnt how I tried saving him, when no one else dared. But he didn't give me the chance, not even a chance to write a statement to clear my innocence.

He's gone now and I'm terribly sadden by the sudden departure. But why? Because I couldn't save him? Because I feel sorry for him when I saw he lying helplessly on the floor? Or am I feeling guilty trying to plot against him? There are so much questions left unanswered, without Kenneth.